WordPress database error: [Table './db97824_wp/wp_comments' is marked as crashed and last (automatic?) repair failed]
DESC wp_comments


Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /nfs/c06/h02/mnt/97824/domains/alexanderlucard.com/html/wordpress/wp-content/plugins/briansthreadedcomments.php on line 96

WordPress database error: [Table './db97824_wp/wp_comments' is marked as crashed and last (automatic?) repair failed]
ALTER TABLE wp_comments ADD COLUMN comment_reply_ID INT NOT NULL DEFAULT 0;

WordPress database error: [Table './db97824_wp/wp_comments' is marked as crashed and last (automatic?) repair failed]
DESC wp_comments


Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /nfs/c06/h02/mnt/97824/domains/alexanderlucard.com/html/wordpress/wp-content/plugins/briansthreadedcomments.php on line 105

Archive for March, 2009

DVD of the Day #84 - Hamtaro Volume 6: The First Issue!

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

So sad! It’s the last of the six Hamtaro DVD’s. Never again will there be any new episodes released on DVD in English, even though there are over a hundred in the can. Fuck you Viz Media. Fuck you in the ass!

As always, this Hamtaro collection features only three episodes. Unlike the other collections, the print run on this is exceptionally small, and this disc goes for well over fifty dollars used. How crazy is that? Sadly, this collection is not worth the money you’d have to spend to track this down (I luckily only paid $25, which is still too much, but hey, I love Hamtaro). Even worse, the end of the DVD gives a promise of DVD vol. 7, which of course never happened. BOO.

The three episodes are:

Maxwell’s Big Scoop! The Ham-hams decide to make a newspaper with all of the hamsters wanting to be reporters and get good scoops. Maxwell ends up the editor in chief, but he is so critical of everyone’s writing that all the girl hams cry and Boss calls him a big jerk. Will The Ham-Ham Times ever get off the ground?

The Precious Letter! Laura, Hamtaro’s owner, is trying to get back in touch with a friend she had in the town they used to live in, but she never gets a response. This sends Laura into severe clinical depression and the Ham-Hams send Jingle and Boss to track down this friend to snap Laura out. It turns out that this friend was away at Swim Camp and she had accidentally unplugged her answering machine. Whoops. Everyone is happy in the end.

The Scary Museum! The Ham-Hams decide to go to a museum after seeing a picture of a gigantic sunflower seed (which is a mockup) at the museum and they decided it must have fallen from the skies, brought to the earth by alien hamsters (Yes, this is really the plot), so they decide to go to the museum to check things out. Some hamsters want to eat the giant seed, while others are obsessed with aliens and rectal probing (Again, this really is the plot). Wacky comedy bits occur.

A decent collection of episodes, but its not the highest note the series could have gone out on. Hopefully some day, we’ll get a large collection of episodes in one big friendly package, but I’m not holding my breath.

Is It Worth Keeping Yes, but mainly because it is so expensive and hard to find.
Rating: 5/10

DVD of the Day #83 - Pitch Black - Unrated Director’s Cut (HD DVD)

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Another cheap-o HD DVD thanks to Amazon.com I have to admit, the film is exactly as I remember it, for both good and bad. When I first saw the film, I didn’t expect Riddick to survive the film, nor did I expect him to be come an anti-hero franchise with two movies, an animated feature, and like three video games under its belt. My only pronblem with the DVD is that all the special features are geared towards all the other Riddick products rather than on Pitch Black itself, making it seem like a giant commercial for the franchise. As Pitch Black is the only piece of the Riddick mythology I can safely say I enjoy, this rather stinks.

Pitch Black is one of those odd Sci-Fi meets horror in an interesting combination. Usually I’m not a sci-fi fan at all save for anime, but like Event Horizon, I don’t hate this.

In the far future, an interstellar travel ship ends up having some mechanical issues, leading to the death of the captain. The remaining crew manages to crash land the ship on a remote desert planet, where the survivors include a very annoving Briton, a junkie faux cop, several Muslims travelling to New Mecca, and Riddick, a wanted psychotic criminal who was on his way to maximium lockup. Although the planet appears to be devoid of life, the survivors find a lot of skeletons, some bunkers and even a prepped emergency shuttle in need of some new fuel cells. While salvaging the fuel cells from their own plane, people begin to realize the planet isn’t as dead as they think. Deep in the bowels of the earth are a strange breed of alien flying hammerhead shark like creatures that can’t stand light or heat. When there is no light however, they come out and are swift and ruthless killing machines. Although the survivors try to stay in the light, a quick check of the planet’s three suns show that soon there will be an eclipse that lasts for several YEARS, plunging this planet into eternal darkness and giving these creature full reign over the planet.

It becomes a race to survive and get off the planet before they are all devoured.

I have to admit, the first time I watched this, I was shocked by who lived and who died. I was impressed with the character dynamics and the creepiness of the monsters. I remember Ronni (my girlfriend at the time) and I walked out of the theatre quite impressed with this flick. After watching it again, and in high def to boot, I have to admit the movie hasn’t aged well, and it does come off a bit hokey, but it’s still entertaining crap and I remain impressed with the character interaction and the dynamics between them all.

There are some great deaths, and Riddick really does steal the show. It’s little wonder they decided to give him a second film where he was the star instead of part of what amounts to being an ensemble cast. It’s also the only good movie Vin Diesel has ever made, so its got that going for it too.

In the end, this was a fun film, and I’ll keep it mainly because it looks quite nice in high definition, but it is nothing more than a popcorn flick to watch if there’s nothing else a group of friends can agree upon watching besides this.

Is It Worth Keeping? Yes, but just barely.
Rating: 5.5/10

DVD of the Day #82 - Sanitarium

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

I can’t say that word without singing the song.
So weird story about the movie. Supposedly this is based on the awesome PC game. I’ve read this in several places that have confirmed this, and the main character has the same exact name as the video game’s protagonist, so it must be based on it right? Well, on the IMDB forums, someone claiming to be a producer/co-writer claims to have never heard of the game before and says it is all coincidence, so take that for what it is. Alas, if it’s not related to the game, it’s too bad, as this would be one of the better games into movies out there despite being an amazingly low budget film and having Uri Gellar (who i first encountered in I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, hosted by Ant and Dec, which instantly dates my time spent living in England.)

Sanitarium juxtaposes between a very relaistic insane aslyum setting and a crazy guy sitting at a table with a balck back drop while two cops investigate him. The crazy guy is the “current” time and the asylum bits are flashbacks. Dr. Max Warick and his fellow doctors believe they have found a drug that cures insanity. There is a test of the drug on actual patients. Those on the drug sane up while the control group that is not on anything degenerates further and further into madness. Slowly but surely the insanity spreads across the staff, causing hallucinationsa, mutilations, heart attacks and anuerisms. Slowly but surely we learn that yes, the drug is indeed stopping people from being insane. However it also turns out that insanity slowly leaks from our bodies similar to an aura. The insane just leak it faster and more profusely. There are also creatures, invisible to our own eyes that feed off this insanity. The end result is that when the drug dries up the flow of insanity from the crazies, these creatures make tiny, but ever growing tears into the psyches of the sane in order to keep from starving to death. This is what causes the mass madness and death. It’s just an unknown life form trying to survive the only way it can. Because of the massive outbreak of death and the creatures getting bolder and hungier, the drug is shelved. Well, shelved until twenty years later when someone decides it is a good idea to re-release the drug to the general public, which is the twist ending of the movie that you see coming from miles away leading the old version of Max to go “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” several times and have everything fade to black.

To be honest, for a very low budget film, this wasn’t bad. the acting was far better than I expected, and I was surprised to learn that this was actually the first of three movies, the other two are connected by a supporting actres splaying the same character across the films. The character of Dr. Isabella Ramoray would then go on to appear in Hellbreeder and Dark Hunters, neither of which have been released stateside. I can’t really call this a good film as it’s a bit weird, pretty convoluted and very cheesy at the end, but the acting was quite impressive and the film did the best it could with its budget.

Is It Worth Keeping? No, but it was worth watching.
Rating: 5/10

Review #263

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

Mana Khemia: Student Alliance
Genre: Turn Based RPG
Developer: Gust
Publisher: Nippon Ichi
Release Date: 03/10/2009

Mana Khemia is a spin-off from the Atelier series. I have to admit the last game in that series that I reviewed, Atelier Iris was decidedly mediocre. However when our own Will Quinn reviewed the PS2 version of this game, nearly a year ago he raved about it. This piqued my interest and so when the PSP version arrived from our friends at Nippon Ichi I knew I wanted to give this a try.

Now Student Alliance isn’t a direct port of Alchemists of Al-Revis. They’ve added network play, new items, monsters, equipment and items. However they’ve also added some of the worst loading times and game lag I’ve seen on the PSP since the Smackdown Vs. Raw series. However, to combat this, Student Alliance has added the Jump pack feature, which loads the game onto your memory stick and dramatically decreased the loading time and lag. The only problem with this is that you will need at least 290MB of free space. If you don’t the game’s not worth playing (or even picking up) until you do. If you do have a large enough memory stick, make sure this is the first thing you do when you put the UMB in your PSP.

Aside from this important note about the game, how is Mana Khemia? Sure it lacks all the neat kitsch that the PS2 version came with, but how is the GAME itself?
(more…)

DVD of the Day #81 - Ghosts on the Loose

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

This was an odd little 70 minute movie (although the box says 63). It features the Bowery Boys (Kind of a grown up Little Rascals) and Bela Lugosi - the second time this pairing has occured. The first was 1941’s Spooks Rise Wild, which I really enjoyed as a little kid. When I learned there was a second team up between the two sets, I picked it up via Swapadvd.com.

This movie however, rather sucked. It does star a young Ava Gardner though, which was a bit of a surprise.

Here’s the plot. One of the Bowery Boys’ sisters is getting married to a man named Jack Gibson who bought a nice house for the new couple to live in. However, the house next door is supposedly haunted, which is why it was so cheap. In truth, there are no ghosts, but a nbunch of Nazi sympathizers that live there and use the ghost routine to keep people out of their property. Tres Scooby-Doo.

The Bowery Boys decide to surprise the couple by fixing up the house for them, but they go to the wrong house and ho ho ho, the Nazi’s try to convince them ghosts are there. Wacky Shinanegans Ensue.

The problem with this movie, is that unlike Spooks Rise Wild, the pacing of GotL is amazingly slow. It’s very dull, and the actual main plot point doesn’t kick in until about halfway through the feature, leaving the gimmick rushed. It’s not very funny either, and worst of all, Bela Lugosi has maybe five minutes of screen time. All in all this was really poorly done, and I wish I had only watched the one Bowery Boys feature. This second experience with them was neither fun nor enjoyable. It was just a very dull and very outdated movie staring a C-string comedy ensemble. This was a waste of an hour.

Is It Worth Keeping? No.
Rating: 2/10

DVD of the Day #80 - The Unnameable II

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

I’m a big fan of the original Unnameable. It’s one of my favorite indie horror films, as well as one of my favorite Lovecraft based films. I watched that movie many times in high school and college. Then one day in the dorms we found the sequel and watched it. It was nowhere as good as the first, but it was well acted and had decent special effects for what it was. Now, a hair over a decade later I decided to watch it again, if only because the first still has yet to be released on DVD. I know, I know, the second is out but not the first. There are rights issues. What the fuck ever.

TU2 takes place immediately after the first one ends. The three survivors, one now irrevocably insane, escape the old Winthrop Manor with their lives, and a copy of the Necronomicon. Randolph Carter is the only one of the three able to walk out on his own power, and quickly notices the police of Arkham hushing up the true events of what happened referring to it as, “Akin to what happened in Dunwich a few years ago.” Carter, being a naive college student feels the truth must be revealed. In order to prove the existence of the demon that they dispatched, he enlists his favorite professor, played by John Rhys-Davies to help him in his quest - in exchange for the Necronomicon. The two venture beneath the house and find the demon they have trapped. As the demon is possessing a human child from the 1800’s, they read a spell to seperate the demon from the human. The spell works and the two are freed, but this leaves the demon to run around killing things again. Whoops.

The rest of the movie is The Unnameable running around killing college students and police officers while the human half of the create falls in love with Carter. Eventually they discover the only way to beat the creature, and it leads to a sad ending for the main characters, but hey, at least they live.

The Unnameable 2 is not a bad movie at all. Yes, they try to state that the powers of the Necronomicon is actually Quantum Physics and they mispronounce everything from Yog-sothoth to R’yleth, but there’s a lot of respect given to Lovecraft’s characters and setting compared to say The Tomb or Beyond the Veil of Sleep. There are some funny moments, and shout outs to other Lovecraftian tales and characters, but in the end, it’s not very Lovecraftian to have a naked demon with big hooters running around Arkham University, ripping out the hearts of a dozen or so people. The first film was a great taste of “Stupid people in a haunted house doing stupid things.” This was a decent follow-up but it completely lost the plot by going for the typical horror movie routine.

I’m still not sure why they made a sequel, but i’m glad to have seen it again, if only because it’s basically made me decide to import the original from Anchor Bay UK, as they throw in TU2 for free. This goes back on Swapadvd.com

Is It Worth Keeping? No. Not without the first to accompany it.
Rating: 5/10

Last Day!

Friday, March 20th, 2009

I’m feeling a bit down about leaving, but it’s more because I’ll miss these people rather than the work environment and the ineptitude surrounding it. Still, I’ve left the door to be open if they ever fix the issues I have with the company as I hate the idea of them contuning that downward spiral. I liken it to an alcoholic - you can only help so much.

Still they gave me nandos and ice cream cake yesterday in a good-bye party and the CFO/head of HR got all misty at the thought of me leaving. So I am feeling a bit bad/guilty about leaving. At the end of the day though, I need to look out for myself after a year and a half of carrying this place on my back and getting nothing really back.

Nervous and excited for the new position. We’ll have to see what it entails.

Free Water Ice at Rita’s today. WHOOOO!

The Path is on tap to be the most read article on DHGF by the end of today. This bothers me more because it’s not my best work (as I wrote it at the height of my burnout) but also because people are far too fixated on the rape bits than the fact the majority of my complaints are about the bugs. Hilariously people are missing the comments of metaphorical rape and then missing that any act of despoiling or loss of innocence is rape under the definition of the word. “It’s not rape. It’s a deflowering of youth.” Ummm, that’s still rape. I’m finding half of the internet commotion on this game hilarious because it’s uninformed people on all sides of the coin accusing each other of only seeing a single layer of the game or seeing what they want to see without realizing they are all talking about the same exact topic - they’re just using different verbiage to do so.

The other half though are super creepy with people claling for the game to be banned or physical injury to occur to the dev team WHICH IS NOT COOL AT ALL. There are other people claiming that you can actual see or hear things in the game relating to the rape which is far worse. Hate the game for being a buggy piece of shit - don’t hate the makers.

Perhaps a party tonight. Tomorrow is a backlog of writing for Pokemon. Sunday is a Mana Khemia review and so on. Yesterday I learned I’m getting a Habenaro Garlic BBQ sauce and a book on the history of Foie Gras for review. I’ll have to see if Heather wants to make something with the sauce when it arrives.

DVD of the Day #79 - Atonement (HD DVD)

Friday, March 20th, 2009

Atonement was a big Oscar and Golden Globe winner/nominee two years back. I picked this up for five dollars during the Amazon HD DVD purge and after watching it, I’m kind of shocked it recieved such a buzz. It was a decent movie, but one of the best of 2007? Far from it.

There are two big problems I have with the film. The first is that it was typical British dramatic acting, which means there was little to no emotion even in scenes that were supposed to be quite passionate or lustful. Calm, deadly serious, sad, and angry all basically were portrayed by each actor or actress in the same tone and attitude. I know the British have a stereotype over here as very cold, unemotional people, but the British really shouldn’t be perpetuating that belief themselves. Only two actors in the entire cast did a better than average job - Vanessa Redgrave as the old Briony, dying from cancer and James McAvoy as Robbie Turner, who actually raised his voice once in the movie. Everyone else was a cold fish.

My second problem is that this movie did something that 99% of the time, not only banishes a film from Oscar contention, but generally causes a backlash amongst critics and general moviegoers alike. This film pulls a “It was all a dream” on us. We’re talking Tommy Westphall here. It wasn’t an exact “dream ending” sequence, but it was a big middle finger swerve revealing that over half the movie was a fictionalized story rather than the real tragic ending that befell the two main characters played by McAvoy and and Keira Knightly.

Also, it’s amazing that a movie that makes such frequent use of the word CUNT is never talked about for its use of the word CUNT.

Here’s the plot: Briony Tallis, played by the ugliest little girl in the world, Saoirse Ronan has a big crush on Robbie Turner, who is a poor but intelligent boy who was befriended by the rich aristocratic Tallis family. Over the years Robbie has fallen in love with Briony’s big sister Cecilia. He writes two love letters, one of which is passionate, the other which is a bit guttural (by British standards). He accidentally mails the more graphic one via Briony (who reads it and due to her crush now hates them both) which actually turns Cecilia on. The two aquester to the library and get it on (In one of the most boring sex scenes EVER) only to have Briony walk in on them, plotting evil spiteful little girl vengeance.

Later that night, a set of twins staying with the Tallis’ run away and in the search, the sister of the twins is raped (By the man who eventually becomes her husband, in all too realistic British fashion). Briony sees the rapist but instead lies to say it was Robbie and also gives her parents the sex note written for Cecelia. This gets Robbie arrested and forced into the army circa World War II. Cecilia disowns her family and becomes a dirt poor nurse and Briony well, nothing bad ever after to her. She becomes a famous authoress with 21 published books and a life of luxury, with her guilt riddling her body as much as the cancer she inevitably develops. In a half hearted attempt at repentance, she gives the starcrossed lovers a happy ending by finding each other after the war and being a happy couple instead of the reality that both died in horribly gruesome ways thanks to her lie. Somehow that doesn’t sound like Atonement to me. it sounds like a cunt (there’s that word again) turning her guilt and the death of everyone she knew and loved which was directly her fault into profit for cancer treatment. Fuck Briony Tallis and fuck this film.

Overall, this is an odd duck of a movie and it is the inherent flaws in how british period style dramas are done (and have always been done) really bring the movie down due to the lack of any emotion of character depth. It was worth watching, but it by no means lives up to the massive award hype it originally recieved.

Is It Worth Keeping? No.
Rating: 5.5/10

DVD of the Day #78 - The Secret of the Magic Gourd

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

The Secret of the Magic Gourd is a Disney original started out as a novella by Zhang Tianyi, and was first made into a movie in 1963. This remake, which combines live-action and CGI, was the first picture produced by the Disney corporation specifically for the Chinese market, with English speaking audiences as an afterthought. One of the most striking things about the film was watching it in English and then in Mandarin (with the subtitles turned off) to see if I could get a better handle on the language. I should point out that I’ve been taking Mandarin for several years now, and although my knowledge of the language is far from fluent, I could piece together the story, moods, and most importantly the intonations. What I discovered is that although the English dubbed version of this film is very different (to the point of changing full sentences and topics to better fit the English speaking audience), the overall tone and message of the movie remained the same. Sadly, this message wasn’t very good in either case.

Wang Bao (or Raymond in the US version) is a lazy, selfish, slacker child who really seems to care little for his family, classmates, or humanity in general. This my friends, is your protagonist. He is an amazingly unlikeable character throughout the entire movie, albeit it MUCH MORE SO in the English dub than in the Mandarin, mainly due to the actor doing his lines.

One day Wang Bao finds the magic sentient walking, talking gourd from his grandmother’s fairy tales. “Hu Lu” (Or Bailey as it is called in the English version) decides that he will serve the Wang Bao’s and use his magical power to grant Bao’s every wish. Of course the problem here is that Bao is an extremely selfish child who doesn’t understand Newton’s Third Law and that everything he wishes for, has to come from someplace else. As well Bailey, not being human is incapable of understanding metaphor or anything other than an extract literal meaning of Bao’s wishes. This level of confusion, is of course, where the comedy is supposed to come in.

The moral of the movie is that one needs to take responsibility for one’s own actions and that it is better to try and fail, rather than to let someone else do the work for you, lest you never grow as a person. I wholeheartedly support this Afterschool Special type message, but due to a combination of acting/subpar writing, one really doesn’t get this fully. You spend almost all of the movie hating Bao for being just an awful child who treats everyone around him with disdain and contempt, while you feel so bad for the cute little gourd who just can’t please his master and who doesn’t understand why he is always so mentally and physically abusive to him. Now I LOVE slapstick ala the 3 Stooges, but man did I think “Bao is going to grow up to be a wife beater” from the way he treated the innocent little magical gourd.

Bao never truly gets his comeuppance for his actions in this film, which defeats the whole purpose of the movie. At most, he got a wrist slap for cheating on a test instead of full punishment due to how good he has been at everything lately…which was actually Hu Lu’s doing. In the end everyone love’s him for being awesome and Hu Lu gets thrown into a pond. Only at the very end does Bao apologize for his misdeeds, but that only comes after he wins a Swim Meet and realizes this is the first thing he’s ever done on his own without using others to do the work for him. Hu Lu thankfully decides to find another child who will appreciate him better, which is the best part of the movie.

The Mandarin cast did a great job, while the American cast was wooden and phoning it in, much like what dubbing used to be for Japanese movies and anime in the 1980’s. The actual DVD layout is odd too, as it just goes into the movie and the special features in succession without letting you choose what to watch and when. The CGI effects, while not up to the level of Pixar, were quite nice and CGI frogs and birds were very well done and quite realistic.

In the end, this isn’t a bad first effort for Disney gearing itself toward the mainland Chinese market, but it’s also not a good one by any means. Bao/Rodney needed to be a lot less prickish in order to make the audience like him, or at least feel sympathy for him. Moreover, the message of “Take responsibility for your actions” is diluted into “Being a jerk gets you a head in life. Only actually try your hardest when your back is up against the wall. Otherwise someone else will do it for you.” That’s not cool.

Mediocre movie overall, and this is far better off as a rental rather than a purchase.

Is It Worth Keeping? No.
Rating: 4.5/10

DVD of the Day #77 - Pineapple

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

Well this was an odd movie. I saw the cover in Blockbuster over Thanksgiving and eventually managed to snag a freebie version of it. I was expecting a softcore porn film, which was akin to the final result, but it was also an odd mix of sexy, Baby’s first BDSM, and an Afterschool Special for adults.

The main character is Andrew, an upper middle class gent who looks WAY too much like Jeff Jerrett (That’s J-E-Double R-heh heh-e-Double T), who has been clean and sober for seven years since the day he and his wife got trashed and he smacked her a little too hard. He comes home one day after a promotion and big celebration at work…to find his wife banging some other dude. Then to add insult to injury, she files for divorce and sole custody of their child. To try and cope with things, Andrew goes to a strip club and ends up getting hit on by a stripper named Crystal. Crystal and Andrew actually find themselves liking each other which gets Andrew kicked out for the night when they start touching (Which is realistic. No touching the girls unless it’s part of the show)

What follows is an, at first, sweet courtship between these two confused lonely hurt individuals who drag each other down into a spiral of sex, and hardcore drugs like crack and coke. Andrew’s life goes to utter shit because he can’t control his base desires or be man enough to get Crystal clean an sober as he’s been at rock bottom before. Eventually the two destroy each other with Andrew getting the shit kicked out of him by his coke dealer and then Andrew refusing to see Crystal while in the hospital. For the second time Andrew picks his life back up with AA and the like, only to have a woman speaking at AA whose younger years resembled Crystal mentioning that she wished she had someone at that age that lvoed her and that could be a role model. This causes Andrew to track her down to apologize and fix her life, but Crystal doesn’t want to be fixed, she wants to self destruct and fuck. When she tries to get Andrew to smoke some crack, he finally breaks for a third time and beats her nearly to death. Then Andrew kills himself by jumping in front of a train. The end.

The movie’s basic premise is that drugs and booze will fuck you up regardless, and that the less self control you have, the greater the degree of fucking up. I agree with this more or less, which is why I am always awesome and straight-edge at the same time. The movie also makes a point that generally angry or violent people shouldn’t get involved in the BDSM culture as it ruins it for the rest of us. I agree with that too. If you have temper issues, you probably shouldn’t be given a cat o’ nine tails or the domme position.

For a softcore porno, this was actually really well acted. John A. O’Connell played Skinny and did an amazing job, all the more so when you realize this is is only acting role ever. Skinny was the only truly likeable character in the movie, with good intentions and compassion.

Steven Chester Prince played Andrew and he has had a lot of minor roles in a lot of big productions on TV and in the movies, and he really made you hate him. You just hated to see this guy throw his fucking life away and to constantly destroy himself in a cyclical fashion. Perhaps it was not the acting ability, but the character and writing combined with my inherent digust for this type of person, but man was I unable to turn away from this train wreck of a man. Eliza Swenson is an amazingly beautiful B-Movie actress who more than resembles a natural redheaded Eliza Dushku has mainly done horror like Jeffrey Combs’ SatanicDracula’s Curse. She’s also done a movie about undead Pocahauntus killing people, so oddly enough, Pineapple might be her most professional movie yet. Again, perhaps its because I’ve known way too many pretty but stupidly self-destructive girls that find a person who is put together that they try to latch onto in hopes of pulling themselves out of the shitstorm that has become their life only to inevitably instead dry to drag their mate down to their level so they don’t have to try at bettering themselves, but it made me feel for the Crystal character. Plus if Crystal was a real person, at sometime in my life I’d have probably met her, fucked her, and then written a blog post about how I always find crazy bitches.

I went into this with the full intent of writing a pretty scathing cruel comedic review of a softcore porn film, and instead walked away impressed by the activing level, if not the budget, of most of the cast and actually finding myself cringing throughout the whole movie because sadly, these situations are all too real and all too sad. The BDSM bits were hilarious though.

I don’t think I could ever watch this again, simply because, for a softcore porn, the movie made me totally asexual for the duration of the film - which probably was not the intent. It’s a great movie to remind you how much better your life is than a lot of other people that have it far worse than you (mainly due to their own faults), but once was enough for me. I can’t do seriously depressing train wrecks.

Oh by the way, Pineapple was the safe word.

Is It Worth Keeping? No, but it was actually worth watching.
Rating: 5.5/10


Credit cards balance transfer no fee + $20 000 pyramid board Capital one credit cards application status Bank one credit card phone number Best credit card promotions malaysia news Credit card offers balance transfers mastercard logo black Getting a discover how to get credit card with bad credit Free credit cards with steam money generator no survey Credit card numbers and security codes 2014 Top citibank secured credit card reviews Fake valid what is a credit card security code Guaranteed approval credit card for 7500.00 International student credit card canada review games Icici credit card late payment charges uk basketball Credit card companies poor risk individuals synonyms for happy How to apply for hsbc credit card in hongkong Credit cards for no credit with no security deposit letter from landlord Citibank credit card application status check letter Virtual free credit card generator software Low interest rate credit card offers in springfield ma Credit card for bad credit instant drug approval canada Free credit card giveaway numbers with cvvvc Other unsecured credit cards for poor credit Types of credit cards in malaysia hotel promotion Instant approval gas credit best credit cards for fair Free security html codes for facebook Credit card generator with cvg area code 206 Online credit card application capital one Public bank credit card balance transfer no fee Gas cards for students with bad credit Make a new york and ny and company credit card payment Virtual credit card processing terminal Credit cards for really bad credit unsecured personal loans online Images for credit card promotional offers 2012 calendar Types of credit cards pptp client Axis bank credit cards personal New credit card personal loan companies for bad credit Credit card offers best loans for bad credit history Check chase credit card application status 2012 Public bank credit card balance transfer 0% Cách hack visa chuyển tiền vao paypal buyer All types of continental discover matrix credit card Cross country bank credit card application Valid credit card generators What is a credit card skimmers for sale Low interest rate credit cards canada only freebies Types of credit cards pptv for mac Citibank credit card promotions indonesia Chase credit card home office address Free card credit cards credit cards numbers that work 2013 Which credit card starts with 5121 hop Sears credit card payment online center for ethics and spirituality Types of credit cards rbc bank trinidad vacancies Minimum credit score to get a credit card Credit card compare ukulele sizes comparison Credit card company fraud restitution letter samples Free credit cards that work 2015 august jordans release Apply for target credit card online Best balance transfer credit cards 2015 How to apply for credit cards online Minimum credit score needed for best buy visa login Credit cards with low interest rates in canada 2015 Best credit card offers for bad credit Credit card charges will appear beneath the cross Kmart visa kohl's credit card application online Best credit card transfer balance deals of the day on the view No credit check credit cards ukraine news update Bizline business credit card cibc canada aba Credit card generator with macy's billing address nevada Best credit cards for bad credit no deposit verizon cell Paypal charges calculator Best student credit cards chase apply Travel reward credit secured credit cards for bad credit Instant credit card bad credit no deposit credit check Chase credit card application status line meaning Does a prepaid credit card work in canada from jamaica to cuba Best airline credit card deals 2011 gmc sierra How to know which credit card to pay off first Old navy visa credit card account payment Best credit card for airline miles in canada we get to see them all Rcbc credit card online application philippines Instant credit cards for bad credit history Verified by visa credit card ukraine map What credit cards to apply for with no credit history Bad credit auto payday loans instant decision Icici credit cards online apply Credit card with fake visa credit card security code generator Legacy visa credit card payment Types of credit cards wikipedia en espanol Best credit card for airline miles forbes 500 Valid credit card obama health bill details 2014 Hdfc credit card offers book my show pune Fake cvv code and fake show sam's club credit card mastercard Ebay and paypal fees Credit card processing for small business paypal Credit cards for bad credit with $5 5 000 limit credit Credit card deals with 0% interest Instant credit card bad credit ok car loans Top rated best credit cards for airline miles broker Macys credit kohls credit card credit score requirements Easy gas good credit cards for bad credit How to get a credit card with no credit history uk channel Discover the best secured credit card offers Best airline credit card deals 2011 mustang accessories I want to apply for a visa credit card Hack verizon visa account online Secured credit card for bad credit no deposit car rental in orlando Free pay sears card account online store credit cards Hdfc credit card late payment charges law of attraction Visa card free to use free credit card with cvv2 Fuel credit credit capital one credit cards for bad credit Track citibank wells fargo credit card application status 2014 valid declined credit card codes Target my get cash now reviews Working fake find how to get credit card expiration dates Chase slate credit card login page Best credit cards to build credit 2015 black hairstyles One free valid credit card with cvv super bowl Which credit card starts with 5424 las trampas Secured credit cards canada cibc banking login 0 interest credit cards for 24 months canada customs Imagine credit card login How easy is to get a credit card from comp rugs usa coupons Best rewards credit cards 2014 for buying gas with a credit card Credit card transfer balance malaysia chronicle bm Unsecured credit cards for bad credit with no deposit blog free First premier credit card login payment Free credit card info stick on letters and numbers Unemployed best top college student credit cards Target my need cash now reviews Delta credit card offers 2015 Apply credit card online india How to get get free credit cards numbers Guaranteed credit card approval bingo no deposit uk Free credit cards numbers cvv augustana Best reward credit cards ukraine flag Online credit card generator with cvv revolution Paypal login my account phone number Citibank credit card offer $2000 Att for bad credit Walmart credit travelocity credit card login customer service Best small business credit cards 2015 Balance transfer for life credit cards australia zoo animals Credit cards numbers that uk work visa Images for gold credit card bar Uk credit cards with eligibility check sprint voicemail Open a free virtual credit cards Bdo credit card applications philippines airlines Kia ge online service credit card How to get visa credit card in japanese Good credit cards in the uk we called Ashro visa credit card application Credit builder credit cards with no deposit casino Credit card generator with cvv2 hoover dam address and zip code Free valid how to make fake credit cards that work Credit card comparison 2015 uppababy vista Brylane home wyndham rewards visa card account Discover business credit card account How can i get credit card from sbi to wordpress Comerica elan credit card login Sears credit card services citibank Dummy credit cards dor my itunes account login apple id Citibank credit card annual chargespeed wrx Guaranteed approval credit card uk Capital one credit card reviews usaa home Best credit card offers with good credit 0% balance transfer fee credit card offer International credit card fees lawsuit against abby Citi secured credit gas credit cards for bad credit Hsbc balance transfer credit card philippines promo Secured visa credit cards with no min deposit online Unsecured credit cards car dealers that accept bad credit How to use a fake credit card where to buy stuffed Bad card credit discover unsecured credit cards Fake credit cards that work kssr online 2012 Get free credit card numbers and security codes Ebay online store credit cards for bad credit Valid credit card information with cvv code mastercard stock Best credit card for students reviews of depaul university Free credit card with cvv drudge Fake credit card numbers with security code 2013 Ikea visa target credit card apply online Credit card generator 2013 friends with money movie Credit cards for bad credit history instant decision A real credit cvv best diet pills that works Credit card online apply india abn amro login on Gold credit card wikipedia free images Apply credit cards online instantly Which credit card is best for travel benefits Unsecured credit cards for 600 credit scores Citibank american hawaiian airlines credit card offers Best free credit best credit cards for bad credit Free credit cards numbers cvv august osage Credit card fraud statistics 2008 Transfer of credit card balance dealsofamerica Bad card credit discover secured vs unsecured loans Best secured credit cards best credit cards for very bad credit Sears credit card payment online hsbc accessibility Citibank credit card offers 40 000 miles is how many kilometers First national bank credit card payment Uk credit cards 0% balance transfers Hdfc gold credit card offers 2012 nba mvp trophy Credit card promotion for buffet singapore delivery Free credit cards with money on them obama poll numbers Credit card processing jobs from home Low interest credit cards canada balance transfer cards Hdfc credit card offer flipkart india mobile Types of credit cards sam's club accepts what type of oil How to repair bad credit after bankruptcy Best value credit cards uk only in ground How to make a fake change credit card for itunes Get credit card with bad credit in canada the executive branch Free credit cards with roblox money generator Apply for a commercial credit card jobs at menards in Chevron gas secured credit card for bad credit Top rewards credit cards frugal travel guy credit How to check santander walmart discover credit card application Wells fargo jewelry aa advantage credit card login Visa prepaid credit card online How to check santander check discover credit card application Credit card compare canada cell Best credit cards for rebuilding credit 2014 Costco credit card processing rates Pre approved new bad credit card offers Cvv karaoke song list generator freeware Credit card balance transfer offers australian embassy Instant credit card number Online credit card generator and validator fzo org Free virtual free credit card generator download mediafire No deposit bad credit business credit cards instant approval $300 freedom credit best first time credit card thanksgiving Apply for credit card online hdfc netbanking nri industrial Instant credit card bad credit no deposit home loan Imagine credit card yahoo customer service phone number Settling debt with credit card companies on your own Free credit score no credit card free credit reports all 3 bureaus New york and company credit card payment site Bank credit cards for bad credit no deposit home Credit card processing fees illegal Comparison shopping for a credit card worksheet pdf Best first credit card for teen 2015 movies coming Legacy visa first premier credit card application status Types of credit cards wikipedia español costa Fake credit card websites to buy stuff Credit card online abn amro world ten Retail store credit cards for bad credit Visa credit cards home loans for fair credit scores Secured credit card credit card offers for bad credit with guaranteed approval How to set up netflix free vpn trial without credit card Easy to get credit cards with no credit Apply for credit card online hdfc mf login microsoft Credit cards for credit scores below 550 paracord wholesale A fake credit card and ccv2 penis enlargement that works permanently Fake cvv fake card numbers that work Bad or no credit credit cards with no deposit bonus Student credit cards instant approval 2014 Security code number on visa Credit card numbers with code Virtual credit card generator online Chase visa marriott rewards credit card Best credit cards for travel points 2015 movies list Get a secured credit card tomorrow annie Valid credit card information with cvv lasd inmate information Toyota rewards visa credit card online payment Balance transfer for life credit cards australia timeline First national bank of omaha american express application status Which credit card is best to build credit history Working credit cards with cvv drudge Credit card for low income earners Southwest airline credit card best deals Gold credit cards mfg cyclocross Major credit card companies list of British airways credit card in uk or in the uk illegally Which credit card is best for airline miles promotions manager Cross country applied household bank credit card application Credit card 0% interest 0% balance transfer Credit cards apply online indian Citibank credit card promotion indonesia maps Online virtual credit card terminal instant street map Mastercard metrobank credit card application requirements Canadian credit cards for bad credit Instant credit cards with immediate access savings Best department store credit cards after bankruptcy Credit card payments for past due invoices letter $5000 apply for credit card instant approval online Bad credit card applications Valid security promotion code for american express gift cards Online credit card generator 2015 list of holidays in the philippines Security code i-94 number on visa List of legit working credit card numbers and cvv No credit check credit cards with no deposit Best secured credit card to rebuild credit 2015 nascar Top rated secured credit cards to rebuild credit Standard chartered credit card promotion malaysia Best credit cards for bad credit no deposit instant approval credit 0 balance transfer fee credit cards Credit cards for really credit cards for bad credit uk Poor credit credit secured credit card with no deposit required How to pay my visa credit card online Real security mcc codes credit cards Credit card with instant account number Images for college students credit cards debt A fake credit card and ccv2 easy diet that works Types of credit cards ppt viewer apk installer Low interest credit cards scotiabank trinidad internet Sears master credit card pay online Instant credit card bad credit ok auto Images for black credit card no limit Credit card promotion singapore 2012 nissan Balance transfer for life credit cards australia post shop Credit card online abn amro bank new york Ikea big lot sears credit card apply online Fake credit cards that work film online 2014 Gas cards online best credit card for fair credit Instant approval credit cards for bad credit no deposit cellular Where to get a credit card instantly Credit card apply mastercard securecode Real credit card that i hope it will work out Credit cards no processing credit card with no annual fee for bad credit Chase visa credit card login account High risk credit cards unsecured yahoo canada Department store shop online credit catalogs with instant credit International credit cards banksy prints Best credit card deals bonus points mall Free credit card numbers with cvv and names Dbs credit card promotion for buffet dinner clip Best cash back credit card 2015 uk university Chase credit card bad credit ok cars Uob credit card promotion indonesia tsunamis Top ten credit cards consumers power oregon Visa secured credit cards for bad credit Citibank credit card offers uae airlines abu Blair credit card apply online instant approval Check status alaska alaska airlines credit card application Fake expiration dates apply for credit cards online with instant approval Free credit card bad credit ok rental homes Credit card transfer balance malaysian flight mh370 Real credit cards best best new diet pills that works Apply for a store credit card that excepts bad credit auto financing Secured credit cards canada cibc bank Get free visa credit card numbers Business credit cards uk only sweets Elan credit card mystery solved after 55 years and over communities Apply for credit card online pnb login philippines gsis Apply for free credit free credit cards with bad credit Credit card online services rbs digital Prepaid credit cards for international used auto Get a credit card with no credit and no job memes funny Credit cards for bad how to buy a house with bad credit and low income What is the best credit card in the world with cash limit on flights Fake credit cards shirts credit cards with money on them Real credit cards a diet that works Student credit cards with no annual fee Visa credit card number with cvv 2013 Credit cards to rebuild credit without a deposit is required Can you get a credit card in your childs name in a storybook inn Credit card generator and all change change payment info for itunes Pay citibank credit card online singapore passport Secured credit card for bad credit no deposit instant approval credit Kmart sears login credit card Can u use horizon gold can i use my walmart credit card for gas 0% interest credit cards through 2017 lincoln continental price 5000 credit card instant approval Real credit card numbers and cvv2 code Watch movies online free free credit reports without credit cards needed Credit card application online bpi application forms Best low interest credit cards with rewards Citibank credit card offers singapore math Cheapest credit card interest rates australia news shark Visa credit card security code hack Zero interest the best credit cards after bankruptcy Home depot credit card login pay online Paypal here printer Free credit score no credit card free credit report all 3 bureaus Bad credit credit cards no deposits Different types of credit cards wikipedia english premier Fossil walmart credit card application status Hsbc credit card online payment indiana department Credit card for students bpi sports b4 weight Credit cards balance transfer no fee + $20 000 personal loan with bad credit Best credit card transfer balance dealsea home Cimb credit card promotion 2015 malaysia merdeka poster Hdfc bank credit cards trackers interface Best places to get a credit card with no credit Credit card debt consolidation vermont teddy Cvv microsoft point generator no download Build credit refinance after bankruptcy chapter 7 Visa credit cards bad ford credit phone number Business secured credit cards chase Credit cards for fair credit up to best used minivans Best visa credit card for college students Us credit card number security code generator Bad credit credit card offers unsecured Valid credit card information 2012 nissan Capital one student credit card denied paypal Kia prepaid credit card balance Prepaid credit card online name randomizer wheel Store credit credit cards tips to improve credit score Utalk walmart credit bureau phone numbers customer service Easy approval money magazine best credit cards 2014 Best credit card cash rewards deals2buy emirates Best low interest credit cards 2012 chevy cruze Free virtual credit cards how to verify paypal account without bank account Elan credit card mystery solved memes How to get real working credit card numbers Hack credit card number visa master cards 2014 Racetrac gas mobile gas station credit card application Best unsecured credit cards for rebuilding credit 2013 Yes city bank credit card apply Check status of first premier credit card application Paypal fees uk How to accept credit card payments with paypal Free visa credit card number security code Southwest chase credit card reviews Instant credit card applications in philippines do we have quantiferon How to rebuild your credit refinance after chapter 7 bankruptcy Valid credit card information with cvv taco bell nutrition information Google compare credit cards ukraine girls Belk american express credit card application status check Images for free credit card numbers generator and csc Virtual credit card generator 2012 nba playoffs Enigma's credit card generator with cvv2 2010 ford Hdfc credit card offers on flipkart 2015 military bowl Get approved for a credit card instantly with bad credit Credit card rewards comparison chart reddit swagbucks shortest Credit card numbers and security codes 2015 Walmart kmart credit card application instant credit card applications Hdfc credit card offers on amazon october 2015 Visa card application for fair credit Compare travel rewards credit cards canada Best credit cards to build credit 2015 movies coming What is a credit card balance everfi login page Fake credit card identity Credit card charges comparison essays samples Credit card information free monogram generator online Free vacation credit cards Unsecured credit cards no fees how to buy a house with no money and bad credit Axis bank platinum credit card balance transfer no fee Credit cards numbers and security psn psn code free 2013 Credit cards for bad credit with no deposit unsecured bad Credit card for students malaysia chronicle news List of valid credit cards Security code real credit cards numbers that work Visa card generator 2012 online Valid credit card numbers cvv2 Hdfc credit card offer airline miles promotions Lowes joint credit common app online application No credit check credit cards ukraine president house Status on my alaska china alaska airlines credit card application Credit cards online apps mastercard rewards Working debit card numbers with cvv best movies Credit card companies that use transunion only Credit cards for bad credit and low income Secured credit card secured credit cards for bad credit no deposit Credit card transfer balance promotions now on Nokia mobile card security code number Sears credit card login citigroup credit Score need for whats how to get a target red card Pre approval amazon how to play cards against humanity Best balance transfer credit cards 2012 nfl playoff results Apply for credit card personal loans for people with very bad credit Buy prepaid credit card paypal Citibank online philippines credit card 10 top credit cards 2014 What is a credit card statement credit Prepaid credit cards visa chase slate card Hdfc credit card offer flipkart shopping dresses How to get a fake visa visa credit card security code Best credit cards for rebuilding credit 2015 kia Credit cards for students uk Apply for a first financial bank credit card How to make a free virtual credit card generator Chase visa credit card payment Types of credit cards ppt background templates nature Paypal plus capital one credit card mailing address Chevron gas guaranteed unsecured credit card for bad credit Free credit card information with cvv2 How to compare credit card processing rates Free cc sacred scribe angel numbers blogspot numbers Best balance transfer credit cards fair credit Rooms to go wells fargo credit score requirements Small business credit credit cards for poor credit history Best cash back credit card 2015 singapore budget Apply credit card online maybank balance check First progress credit card payment and login facebook Valid credit card numbers with money on it Best first credit card for no credit Gecrb comenity ge credit cards list Aventium jcpenney credit card login in Prepaid credit cards visa chase southwest rapid Images for black card mastercard credit mutuel Really bad credit credit cards unsecured Apply for student credit card capital one Small business credit card bad credit ok loans Average law student credit card debt Free credit card information and account detail sbi Expired credit car information Capital one card easy to get credit get credit card with bad Credit card transfer balance promotions now coupons First national credit card company