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Archive for February, 2009

Review #257

Saturday, February 28th, 2009

Legacy of Ys Books 1 & 2
Developer: Falcom
Publisher: Atlus USA
Genre: Action RPG
Release Date: 02/25/2009

I’ve always been a big fan of the Ys (pronounced YEE-s) series. However I’ve had to import nearly all the games due to the lack of them coming stateside. In fact, last August Diehard GameFAN staffers like myself and Chris Bowen were positively ecstatic that the original Turbo-Duo compilation of YS 1 & 2 hit the virtual console. Between that and Samurai Shodown II, we damn near declared it the best Virtual Console release date of 2008.

However, that’s the original Ys. That game sported, at the time, the best graphics and music in the history of gaming. Anyone, even RPG haters were blown away by the presentation. The gameplay was a bit devise however as it was an actual RPG that required strategy rather than just hack and slash title. Over the years, the gameplay has changed into a button mashing mesh, where the only strategy needed to play (and beat) the games is grinding up your levels and then killing things. After a decade plus long drought we finally got Ys VI released stateside, and I had a bit of a chance to vent on the game series in general and how it had actually devolved over the years until it was a series that was high in price and short in time. They were still fun, but nowhere up to the level of quality and jaw dropping beauty the original two books were known for.

So here we are with Legacy of Ys, which is honestly the ninth or tenth remake for the first two games (each). So of you might be wondering, “Why would I pay thirty dollars for a DS remake when I can get the originals for eight dollars on the Virtual Console?” Well, so was I actually. Due to my love of Ys and my general trust in Atlus USA, I decided to take the review duties on for this game.

So how is it? Are gamers finally getting a true taste of the glory that is Ys, or is this another bad remake ala River City Ransom Advance published by Atlus USA?

DVD of the Day #59 - My Name is Bruce

Saturday, February 28th, 2009

Man, I’ve been waiting for this movie for about two years. I love Bruce Campbell, even if he’s been in some shitty, shitty movies and written one decent book and one fucking awful one. This movie’s premise was everything I ever wanted from a comedy/horror/fourth wall breaking picture and it didn’t fail to disappoint.

My Name is Bruce stars Bruce Campbell as Bruce Campell, except a horrible version of himself that is mean, crude, rude, self-centered, and not too bright. Basically it’s a combination of all of the real Mr. Campbell’s worst personality traits combined with that of Ash from The Evil Dead trilogy and enhanced. The end result is awesome and involves sexy she-male nurses, the pushing of paralyzed war veterans into on-coming traffic and a level of sexist misogyny that is so off the wall, you have to laugh at the extreme lunacy of ol’ B-movie actor Bruce.

Meanwhile, in a little ramshackle town of 400 or so people in West Virginia named Gold Lick, an ancient Chinese protector of the dead named Guan-di is released from the mine where hundreds of immigrant Chinese workers were killed by the white man’s stupidity and he starts knocking off all the descendents of those who caused the death of Chinese miners. Which is to say…everyone in the town. One young man, who is a weird goth kid obssessed with Bruce Campbell’s movies suggests that he could finish off Guan-di because he does it in movies all the time. Because everyone who lives in a small town is hilariously stupid, no one sees the flaw in this plan. So they set out to kidnap Bruce Campbell, who thinks this entire thing is a birthday prank being pulled on him by his agent.

Well it isn’t and as soon as Bruce realizes this, his incompetance and cowardly nature gets a lot of people killed. Only when Bruce realizes his biggest fan is going to be killed by this Chinese demon, does he man up and save the day…or does he? BUM BUM BUM

My Name is Bruce is easily the funniest thing Bruce Campbell has ever been in and it is mercilessly cruel and funny towards everything. Bruce himself, his career, B-movies, hillbillies, racism, white people playing ethnic roles, Dead & Breakfast, and more are heavily satired in this. It’s also nice to see cameos from people who were in the all three Evil Dead movies willing to mock their own careers and movies as well. The only bad thing about the movie is seeing how much Bruce has aged and let himself go over the years, but hey, we can’t all keep our rugged good looks forever.

A great comedy with over the top gore for laugh purposes and a perfect skewering of the B-Horror movie industry. Definitely pick it up if you get the chance.

Is It Worth Keeping: Yes.

Rating: 8/10

Watchmen in Imax baby!

Friday, February 27th, 2009


Alexandria – AMC Hoffman Center 22 & IMAX

Midloathian – Regal Commonwealth 20 & IMAX

Virginia Beach – AMC Lynnhaven 18 & IMAX

Woodbridge – AMC Potomac Mills 18 & IMAX


Apple Valley – Great Clips IMAX Theatre

DVD of the Day #58 - Fast Times at Ridgemont High (HD DVD)

Friday, February 27th, 2009

You know. I had never seen this movie in one setting before - only bits and pieces on TV or at a party. Since it was only $5 during an Amazon.com closeout of HD DVD’s, I decided to snag this.

Like The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink and Ferris Bueller, FT@RH is one of those movies often referred to for both its comedy and its realistic portrayal on being a teenager in the 1980’s. After having watched this I do have to admit I preferred it to TBC, but Ferris Bueller and it’s TV show spin-off Parker Lewis Can’t Lose will always remain #1 in my heart.

FT@RH is a look at life at a California West Coast High School, and although it has little in common with the book written by Cameron Crowe, the movie is both funny and melancholic at the same time. Everything from stupid teenage dating, to teen pregnancy to what friendship is about to even the importance of education is brought up and treated on a multitude of levels. Although the clothes are out of style and the hairdos contained within are thankfully dead and buried, the lessons the movie tries to teach while intermingling them with comedy are still as true today as they were back in 1982.

Although Sean Penn’s surfer stoner character is given top billing, the movie is best described as an ensemble cast with Jennifer Jason Leigh and the Honourable Judge Reinhold playing the Hamilton siblings and getting the most on camera time. Stacy Hamilton is by far my favorite character, as you see her deal primarily with the difference between infatuation, lust, and love which most teenagers (myself included when I was one) are unable to discern between. I was also surprised to see the amount of nudity and sex in the as I didn’t expect it. Especially from these now famous actors and actresses.

It’s interesting to see how both the director and screenwriter went onto entirely different paths. The director, Amy Heckerling, went on to direct Clueless, which was a modernization of Emma and Cameron Crowe went on to write Almost Famous. Many of the actors went on to have long, but unmemorable careers save for Sean Penn, who is most remembered for doing a lot of bad movies, some Oscar Award nominated movies, and marrying Madonna. Also rage issues.

Although the movie looks dated, it’s still a fun watch. I only wish I had seen it when I was younger so it would have more of a nostalgic effect on me.

Is It Worth Keeping? Yes
Rating: 6.5/10

DVD #57 - Smokin’ Aces (HD DVD)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Wow. What a steaming pile of crap this was. Now I like both the Ocean’s and Bourne trilogies and this seemed like it would be akin to that, especially with a fun cast like Jeremy Pivens and Ryan Reynolds. What I overlooked that the Affleck factor. Aside from being the bomb in Phantoms, Affleck being in a movie pretty much guarantees it will be a work of suck. It’s as much a truism as the Caine-Hackman theory.

So here’s the plot - more or less. The FBI has this member of the mob played by Jeremy Pivens, who is looking to squeal in exchange for protection. In turn, the head of the mob family has offered 1 million dollars for his heart. Enter a wacky collection of killers ranging from a sexxed up Alicia Keys to a triad of characters stright out of The Road Warrior. Ryan Reynolds in the leade rof an FBI team trying to protect Buddy Israel (Pivens) while he stays at a hotel. Of course, all hell breaks loose. Well actually, all hell breaks loose in the last 30 minutes of the film. The other 90 minutes are just talking heads, which is fine, except characters aren’t being established - it’s all just back story and exposition about things you would have to understand in order for the plot to make even the slightest bit of semblence. Background on the characters, the killers, and a retarded tweener wigger with one eye and a karate gi.

What follows is the biggest convoluted piece of crap I’ve seen in a long time. Yes, it’s hip and stylish, but there are so many swerves and fake deaths and face/heel turns that it’s basically every episode of WCW Nitro written by Vince Russo crammed into one movie. Everything and anything that happens is so utterly implausible, it makes bits from In the Name of the King look realistic. The ending is so out of left field and batshit stupid, that you are just happy the credits are rolling. Basically the entire movie is two hours of stupid misunderstandings interchanged with the occasional death or severe wounding, with a large dose of people talking about things that neither advance the plot of define the characters. I still have no idea how three Mad Max refugees managed to a) get by the FBI b) infilitrate a heavily guarded hotel and c) not get killed instantly.

Smokin’ Aces tries too hard to gives surprises for the sake of surprise. Oh that’s character’s not really dead. Oh that character’s actually evil. Oh, now there’s a government conspiracy. Oh, now you’re supposed to care about this character even though they were a bad guy. Oh wow, it turns out the FBI wiretapping service is made up of people with the IQ of sticks. Whoops. Our bad.

Just a shitty, shitty movie. It is pretty though and Ryan Reynolds does his best acting job yet. Too bad he doesn’t say “Cockjuggling Thundercunt.”

Man, how many obscure references were in this review?

Is It Worth Keeping Fuck no.

Review #256

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

Developer: Gaijin Entertainment
Publisher: South Peak Games
Genre: Action
Release Date: 02/06/2009

Ah, X Blades. Yet another foray into the realm of “Action titles featuring scantily clad young women killing a bunch of monsters and looking good while doing it.” What you may not know is that X-Blades is actually two years old, having originally been released was back in 2007 exclusively for Russian PC gamers. Although it was supposed to be exclusive to both the former Soviet Union and computer gaming, money has obviously had the last word as the now titled X-Blades is stateside, an on both the 360 and PS3 to boot.

One other thing to note before we begin, Europe received a royal edition of the game. If you’re really interested in say, an artbook, statue, and more, you can get X-Blades Royal off the German version of Amazon (as it’s the cheapest I’ve found for you) for a hair under 90 Euros. Remember, PS3 games are region free and the European version has English dialogue as well, so it’s as import friendly as it gets for you crazy collectors.

Now let’s take a look at the game all that it has to offer.

DVD of the Day #56 - The Final Patient

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

This was an odd little independent horror/sci-fi film that had some great ideas but it never got off the ground and ended up being a mess towards the end with nothing every really explained.

The movie starts off with some kids playing around an old tractor when the tractor falls off its blocks, crushing one of the childrens’ legs pretty badly. They call for help and the owner of the farm, an old 75 year old africian american doctor comes out…and lifts the tractor up by one hand, saving the boy.

At the same time, two graduates from Medical School who just completed their residency come into town. They over here the sheriff and other towns folk talking about this strange occurance at the bar, and the two decide to go check out where the old man lives. One of the boys wants to do this because he smells money involved while the other grew up in this town and the old doctor was what inspired him to become a doctor himself. The two end up striking up a friendship with the old man as he remembered the one from his younger years and he invites them back for a chili dinner, which both accept.

Now during all this we get flashes of the old doctor’s wife who appears to be bat shit insane. Later on we learn that she’s got alzheimers and a few medical conditions, but with these bits that ciut away with here, while never showing her face, we are led to think she is hideously deformed and perhaps melting in the facial region. Neither are true.

At dinner the old doctor reveals his secret - an ancient formula he found as a young man that is made from diamondback venom which does not kill him, but instead greatly prolongs his life and gives him superhuman strength and speed. So it’s like the Super Solider Serum I suppose. Now the doctor tells his story and the greedy young man doesn’t believe him so the old doctor challenges him to an arm wrestling match and kicks his butt. They begin to talk some more and here and there the old doctor seems to get a nosebleed and sometimes even bleeds from the mouth. We never get a resolution about this. It’s just thrown in.

Then the power goes out thanks to a storm and the old doctor falls asleep. While asleep the greedy young man decides to go searching for the secrets of the old man’s power while the good young man wants to call an ambulence becauise he thinks his inspiration is sick or dying. The greedy young man goes upstairs while tyhe good young man checks on the doctor. Then the crazy old wife of the doctor comes out wielding snakes and sics them on the good kid, killing him with their venom. Then she goes upstairs and torments the greedy kid with thing slike stabbing him in the face. Then she goes to the basement, destroys the doctor’s lab equipment, set the snakes free and sets the house on fire. The greedy young man is merely injured so he tries to escape. There in the kitchen he meets the doctor, but the wife in her crazy rage assualts her husband and they die in the fire together, along with the secret of the fomula as the young man erscapes with injuries and burns, but his life intact. The movie then ends with the derranged lady under the greedy young man’s hospital bed with a knife.

What the fuck, right? I don’t get it either. Also, her face was just fine. Just old and pox-marked.

There were a ton of loose ends and plot threads that were brought up and never resolved. The acting was actually decent, and the idea of a kindlyold doctor with a mysterious secret was cute, but then it just goes into “ALZHEIMER PSYCHOTIC RAGE” for the end, which was just stupid and ruined the movie for me. Still, as an indie horror/sci-fi/drama mash up, it wasn’t awful. It was just unable to live up to its potential/

Is It Worth Keeping? No. The old doctor was an excellent actor though.
Rating: 4/10

DVD of the Day #55 - Police Academy

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

Police Academy is one of those movies that would never be made in 2009. It’s got a lot of race jokes, a lot of gay jokes, and a Porky’s like quality that would offend today’s PC audience compared to when it came out in the 1980’s where rude, crude, and lewd, was what comedies were all about.

I’ll admit I loved the Police Academy series a a single age child even though I completely missed the prostitute giving Commadant Lassard a hummer in the podium jokes. To my young innocent naive self, the Police Academy movies were hilarious. I loved how in every movie, even when in Miami and Moscow, the bad cops would always end up at The Blue Oyster Bar! It was hilarious. It was only a few years later I learned that it was a gay biker bar and it was funny because they were gay bikers, not because it was meant to be a Bugs Bunny-esque “Look how many times I can get Harris and Proctor to make the same stupid mistake. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.”

I went into this expecting it to be god awful and to have aged poorly. Yes, the young child version of myself enjoyed slapstick and giant robots slaughtering each other, but surely, SURELY the adult mature sophisticated version of myself would look upon this movie and its antics with disdain, right?

Well, no. Not Really. No, it’s nowhere as funny as when I was a child. Norvell Jones’ (Michael Winslow) sound effects just don’t hold up in 2009 and although it was super cool that anyone could do that in say, 1985 when I first watched this on HBO (and saw boobies outside of a documentary!) it lacks the same panache for my 31 year old self. At the same time, some things never get old. Tackleberry’s crazy ass violence streak. I’m always liked the psychotics with a heart of gold characters. This is probably why my favorite Green Lanten is Guy Freakin’ Gardner. Plus you know, Blue Oyster Bar. It’s like they just keep taking that wrong turn at Albuquerque.

If someone is reading this and has never seen Police Academy, you are either a liar or under 21. I don’t think it is possible to have made it to adulthood and not have seen a Police Academy movie in my generation. They were always on. Now, although the quality of the movies ranged from, “The perfect example of everything that was both right and wrong with early 1980’s comedies” to “HOW THE FUCK IS THIS STILL GOING ON?” the first PA is still the one that started it all.

Here’s the plot: Okay, this city? They’re totally insane to the point where they elect this BROAD as a mayor. Can you believe it? A Dame holding public office. Laugh riot already baby! Then she goes and proves women aren’t fit to lead by opening up the Police Academy to all sorts of people, like black people and women and ethnics. ETHNICS? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ethnics as officers is funny. Yes, this is really the premise of the movie, complete with that level of sexism and racism. However, before you get all up an arms, realize that this mov ie is making fun of these conservative beliefs by making all the bad guys sharing this mindset. The good guys are proving that strict conservative Reganite values are wrong and outdated.
Now, as much as I like the theme of the moving proving them women and minorities are equally capable in the field of law enforcement, I also like that not all conservatives are villified automatically. Office Callihan, the female drill instructor, becomes a likeable character and even pussywhips the latin lover character from the show. It’s a weird movie that bashes the Reagan era while also being a perfect example of what the 1980’s were all about.

Sure the movies not as funny as it was when I was eight and all you needed to do was fart and your entire second grade glass would snicker, but you know, I still laughed at this. Yes, I laughed out of nostalgia and because it was so bloody stupid, but I still laughed. There are so many memorable characters. Triggerhappy Tackleberry. Wisecracking Jones. Quiet lil’ Hooks. Evil Lt. Harris. That wascially scamp Carey Mahoney. Bad ass Hightower. Yes, in writing this I’m a bit mystified that these character are in fact, 80’s icons…but they are. This series spawned seven movies and two TV series, with Police Academy VIII coming out in 2011. Somehow, this franchise still has life.

So a quarter of a century after it first came out, there is only one question to ask: Is Police Academy still enjoyable? As much as it surprises me to say so, I rather enjoyed it for what it was; Entertaining Crap. It’s a dumb loud, stupid movie devoid of any real charm and the script constantly changes how many weeks the recruits are supposed to be at the police academy, but there’s something timeless about this film, mostly likely due to nostalgia. I can’t say the movie is good by any stretch of the imagination, but I did watch it with a smile on my face and the memory of an innocence long since lost to polar bear porn, mario sex, and a score of crying stalking ex’s.

I believe I will keep Police Academy, if only to remind me of simpler times, when a movie just needed brown show polish and a megaphone to make people laugh. It’ll be a late night 2am movie to watch with friends that are far more drunk than my straightedge laugh. No doubt we will once again laugh at the stupidity that Police Academy exemplifies.

Also, the movie has a great score. Not only is the theme song of the movie highly memorable, but “El Bimbo” is one of the most recognizable songs of our generation. We ALL know the Blue Oyster Bar song. Hell, it’s even a playable track in Samba De Amigo.

God help me,. My longest DVD review so far is Police Academy. The worst part? I could have pontificated for several more paragraphs. Let’s instead save that for the comments you will all no doubt leave me for this.

Is It Worth keeping: Yes.
Rating: 5.5/10 (7/10 if you are a male between the ages of 7-9)

P.S. The Best Robot Chicken skit besides Ted Turner becoming Captain Planet.

Let’s Eat Cheese!

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

This is one of my stupider ideas, but it may turn out to be a fun one.

We all know I get shitloads of free stuff. Free DVD’s. Free books and electronics. Free Video games and so on. All in exchange for reviewing said products. I’m a little bit proud that everyone from Amazon to Disney wants my well articulated (and sometimes snarky) opinion on their products. But Friday, I got an interesting offer.

Il De France cheese wanted to know if I would review some cheesy goodness. I said yes. Then i started to think, “Why not get free cheese from EVERYONE that makes cheese?” So now Widro and I are in the process of setting up LetsEatCheese.com - a blog devoted to cheese review and commentary. In exhange for small samples, we will review the cheese and also provide contact information to the provide. We may even let them advertise on the site.

I figure we can farm this out ala the freebies we get at Diehardgamefan.com. Anyone interested in taking part? No real commitment. You just review cheeses that you buy or samples that we get sent by cheese producers.

Let’s Eat Cheese Dot Com - that guaranteed way to kill my friends with fat and cholesterol goodness!

DVD of the Day #54 - Great Inca Rebellion

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

Yes, it’s time for another National Geographic Documentary. Like the Lewis and Clark one we reviewed a few weeks back, this DVD is less than an hour long and lacks the classic National Geographic song. Unlike L&C, which was mostly a dramatic re-creation, Great Inca Rebellion is mostly forensic science with a touch of costumed re-creation thrown in to illustrate points.

The crux of the documentary revolves around the first gunshot death in the New World and how finding this particular Incan skull with a bullet wound has created a great deal of controversy amongst historian regarding the battles between Incas and the Spanish Conquistadors who wiped them out. These particular remains, how they died and where they were found has made a group of historians believe that the conflict between these Indians and the Spanish was longer and harder than previously believed. They accused older historians of romanticizing the Spainards and making the battles sound one-sided due to overwhelming Spanish might. You then get CGI re-creations and the SCA style re-enactments to show the history of the Incan genocide.

The documentary is well told and it was very informative. There is no famous actor moonlighting as the narrator. It’s just a straight up hardcore serious documentary like National geographic used to produce when we were little kids.

Like most National Geographic DVD’s, Great Inca Rebellion is overpriced for the length of the disc, and there are no special features save for ads for more National Geographic DVD’s, but this is one of the best documentaries the company has put out in years besides Restless Enemies. I have to admit as a near lifelong member of the NG Society, I strongly prefer the magazine to the TV shows and documentaries they produce these days. Thankfully, Great Inca Rebellion gives us a nice reminder that they can still produce a highly quality and informative video piece.

We’ll end this with the one thing this documentary was missing most of all…the THEME MUSIC! Seriously National Geographic, why don;t you use this any more?

Is it Worth Keeping? Yes, but only for the historically inclined
Rating: 6/10<

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